I woke up at 4 am. thinking about my son. I noticed he had called from rehab after I had already gone to bed. He didn't leave no message, no one from Lakeside called to say he was hurt or left message. I guess you can say I have been feeling guilty because I have gone up to visit him yet. My obsessive mind starts running 90 miles an hour. I am feeling so angry because he has yet again put himself and I in this situation. I want to know when it is my turn to stop worrying about him. When is it my turn to be happy and get on with my life.
Today he posted this on facebook, so I have confirmation is doing well:
11 days clean today :) I'm doin well and feeling great. One day at a time. Love and miss you all :) peace out
My Al-Anon sponsor bought me a book called paths to recovery. Step One: I have admitted I am powerless over his disease - that my life had become unmanageable. In working step one I can admit that I am totally powerless over his disease. I can not control my sons behavior or the power his disease has over him. The addict has different ways dealing with daily challenges and their own life. We are totally two different entities. For example, an addict thinks of how they will get their next fix. I think about what I have to do today, how am I going to pay that bill, what shall I make for dinner, etc. Do I accept alcoholism and drug addiction are a disease? How does that change the way I deal with the addict? Yes, I accept that I'm dealing with a disease of addiction. I'm not quite sure how I will change the way I deal with my son.
I've tried changing my son by keeping him away from the people I know who are substance abusers or just bad for him to be around. Where has it gotten me? Absolutely no where!!!! They lie and figure out was to get their fix behind your back. They get good at hiding their addiction, or I'm just a fool who does not see the signs. How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond? I get so flipping angry and start yelling. Does it solve anything, NO. Makes me feel like shit in the long run and he just goes about his business.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else's behavior? I feel shamed and embarrassed when I say my son is an addict. Treatment did nothing. When I found out he's lied and made a fool of me once again. When he steals from me, when I call him on it, he continues to lie to my face.
What brought me into Al-Anon? The way I have been dealing with my child's addiction is not working for me. I am depressed, I have anxiety so bad. I'm afraid for the phone to ring or someone knocking on my door. I've been to two AL-anon meetings, I did not realize there are so many people out there having the exact same feelings and emotions as I do. You can feel the love and that people care to hear your story. The day I realized my life was so unmanageable was the day my boyfriend told me. "I don't know if I want to be together anymore" "you are never happy". The day my son came to me and said I need rehab again. This all gave me the kick in the ass to do something for myself. Not for my boyfriend, not for my son, but myself. I'm tired of feeling sad.
The rest of the questions for working
step one, I am going to have to go deeper into thought about.
Just for today I know I am powerless over the disease. I can not change it
Good for you getting in the doors of Al-anon. I remember when I first started attending meetings, I went to change my son until I learned it was about me, my behavior and me getting in my son's way. Once I turned the focus back onto me, things began to change for me. It is one day at a time, but it sure has helped me so much. I waited 8 years to be willing to accept the experience, strength and hope of those in Al-anon. It took me that long to realize that my son's addiction was not personally directed at me, his actions and attitude didn't have anything to do with me and nothing I ever did or said made any difference in his addiction or my sorrow, just made it worse. I will be following you and praying for you and your son. (HUGS)
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