What are you thankful for?

Today I feel so blessed!!! Here is what I am thankful for today:
1. I'm thankful Lucky is alive and well. Living in a sober living home.
2. I'm thankful Lucky is sober
3. I'm thankful for my relationship with Rob
4. I'm thankful for the love of my family
5. I'm thankful for my lord and savior Jesus Christ
6. I'm thankful god answered my prayers and I received help with my financial situation today.
SO VERY GREATFUL!!!
7. I'm thankful for being a live and well in this beautiful world

Sobriety

As of Tuesday Lucky has 34 days of sobriety. Below is a post he put on facebook. As you can see he's feeling pretty great.

"Had a pretty amazing day, I feel great and i feel blessed for all the people i have in my life now and my family who has always been there. Got 34 Days of sobriety today and who knows what tomorrow will bring but you know what im high on life right now and it feels great. Night World =)"

He seems to be doing okay. It's nice not having him in our home. He's has caused a lot of pain and sorrow. Lucky has caused issues with my boyfriend and I. My boyfriend feels like he shit on him because he gave him a place to stay and eat. All he had to do is work and show that he was doing something with his life. He feels my son is lazy and just wants things handed to him. It pains me to admit but he's right.

The last few days my son has been very short tempered with me. Yesterday he hung up on me. He later called to apologize, I told him that I did not deserve the disrespect and that I did not want to talk to him at the moment. He's got rent coming up due next week for his sober living house. I told him I did not have the money, he says what about the money Nana sent you? The money my mother sent me was to replace the money I gave my child so he would have a place to live. It seems like he just never wants to grow up and take responsibility. I want to be able to live my life and be happy and not have to worry about my 20 year old child.  

Lucky got short tempered and told me he needed to go today because he was getting angry. I made the mistake of asking him if he has started looking for a job. Parenting is a hard job, but it seems worse when your dealing with an addict.

Just for today I will keep taking deep breaths, ask god to keep him away from temptation, and pray some day he will finally get it.

Oxford Housing

I am so angry that I just want to cry.  The sober living houses are expensive for one.  My son needs to be there away from his old friends in Auburn. Tonight his house mates are giving him a bad time because he is still 60 short.   I gave my son my last 200 for him to live in this house because he needs to be there.

The gentleman I talked to made me so angry saying its a matter of integrity. Were not trying to cheat them out of money. I am a single mother of an addict who has been unemployed for several months and just got back to work two weeks ago.

I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN!!!!!! I know everyone is going to tell me I am enabling him by trying to fix his problems. I cant think about my son being on the streets and I don't want him to live with me. What is a mother suppose to do. Please lord give us a break!!!

Ups and Downs of Recovery

Oh what an emotional day I have had.  This recovery process has so many ups and downs. You feel great for a while and then all of a sudden you hit a bump in the road.

Lucky did not get into the first sober living house he interviewed at, so yesterday I took Lucky to a Oxford house interview near Green Lake.  He was pumped and excited.  He called about 10 or 1030 to let me know that they have accepted him into the house.  The cost to move into the sober living home is $510.

To go back a few days, Lucky was blessed to have a gentleman named "D" come into his life while in treatment. This gentleman was clean for 17 years and had relapsed. He's been wanting to give back to the program that has helped him for so many years, and has built a friendship with my son. To give back he has decided to help Lucky with some costs of recovery.  I felt that it was a pretty big gesture for a person to do for someone he hardly knows.  "D" assured me that it was not a loan and that he really wanted to help my son out. Pastor is always saying that we all need to pay things forward to help others. I feel that God has brought "D" into my and my sons life for a reason. Which is a true blessing.

Lucky called from rehab this morning to let me know that he will only have $250 towards the rent of his sober living house. "D" does not want to cause more issues between him and his wife, which I totally understand. So now the night before Lucky gets out of the treatment facility we are scrambling to figure out how to pay for his rent. 

I know that figuring out how to pay his rent is not my problem, but I can't help not to worry about it.  I told Lucky that I don't know what to do. I received my first paycheck from my new job for a weeks worth of pay. I can either pay my cell phone bill or give my son the money so that he can have a sober place to live and be away from temptation.

To my surprise my son told me that he prayed and asked God for help on how to figure out how to pay for his Oxford house. I was totally surprised!!!! He doesn't want me to use my money because I need to have a phone.  I'm being hard on my self because I don't have the money to just pull out of the bank to pay for housing.  I don't want my son out on the street, but I don't want him in my house either. I know this stress of where he is going to live will be hard on his recovery to stay sober.

I'm feeling really anxious about this whole situation. I keep repeating my steps in my head. I am powerless over his disease. I can not change it or control it. In my head I keep asking myself why me? Why did my son end up being addict? Where did I go wrong raising him?

Just  for today I will give it to God...pray for guidance and strength to get through this bump in the road.

"One day at a time"

It was a beautiful day today. Woke up this morning the sun was out, the birds were singing. We went to church this morning and this afternoon we went to visit Lucky in rehab. Today he is 24 days clean and sober.  He looks good, and sounds good. He's very anxious to get out of course. 

Tonight at 8, he has an interview at an oxford house near Seattle. Lucky has decided that its not a good idea for his sobriety to be in the same area where he grew up.  All his using friends are in this area and of course all of his family. He says no offense mom, but there is to much drama on both sides of my family. He's right, I will agree with him on that one.  Lucky does not have a good relationship with his father. My family is not close, especially after my father died.

I will admit I'm feeling anxious about him leaving the confines of the treatment facility. I wished that I could lock him in there forever. Then I wouldn't have to worry about him. When he's in treatment I know that he's clean and sober, he has a roof over his head, he get's three hot meals a day. I know that he does not have to deal with peer pressure or the temptation of drugs and alcohol being around him. I keep telling myself  "Tina, you can not change it, you didn't cause it, you are powerless over his disease"

Lucky is on his 3 full stay in rehab, and 1 week of detox. Each and every time I get my hope up and believe he's going to stay clean, but I just end up getting disappointed once again.   I am trying to take one at a time, and to have no expectations.  It's difficult though.

Today while visiting my son, I found myself doing what I shouldn't be doing. I was telling Lucky that he can not hang around my sisters oldest daughter because she is an addict as well. I stopped myself and finished listening to what he had to say about the situation. He said your right mom. I can only be around her, when other family members are around. Its so hard to get out of bad habits. I have got to stop telling him what to do. It doesn't matter because he's an addict and a young adult. They do what they want no matter what you say anyways. During my first Al-Anon meeting I listened to a woman say you must treat your qualifier with respect, just as you would want them to treat you. I keep forgetting that because I always want to fix the problem and stir him away from trouble.  I think I need to go back to step one.

"Lucky" is my son's nick name that was given to him while playing baseball

Just for today I will keep reminding myself that Lucky's addiction is not my fault. That I am powerless over it. I'm going to keep giving it to God and take it "One day at a time"

My daily challenge today was to learn about local issues

My issue is not only local, but a national issue as well. April 30, 2011 the DEA is holding their second National Prescription Drug Take Back Day. The amount of teenagers abusing prescription drugs is increasing at an alarming rate. The majority of the abused drugs are obtained from the family medicine cabinet. A lot of parents may think "not my kid, no way". Well I'm here speaking from experience. "If you look at the percent of people 12 years or older who have abused prescription drugs. It's increased by 13 percent over the last two years" said Cook County Sheriff.

If you can not make it to the national take back day, there are safe ways to dispose of your prescribed drugs.
1. If they are solid crush them up and mix with water.
2. Mix the drugs with cat litter, coffee grounds, kitty litter anything unappetizing.

Being a mother of an addict, I encourage you to clean out your medicine cabinets. Don't leave the temptation for your kids or their friends to find something to get high on. Addicts are very resourceful when it comes to wanting to get high.

Experience..Strengths and hope

I woke up at 4 am. thinking about my son. I noticed he had called from rehab after I had already gone to bed.  He didn't leave no message, no one from Lakeside called to say he was hurt or left message. I guess you can say I have been feeling guilty because I have gone up to visit him yet. My obsessive mind starts running 90 miles an hour. I am feeling so angry because he has yet again put himself and I in this situation. I want to know when it is my turn to stop worrying about him. When is it my turn to be happy and get on with my life.

Today he posted this on facebook, so I have confirmation is doing well: 11 days clean today :) I'm doin well and feeling great. One day at a time. Love and miss you all :) peace out

My Al-Anon sponsor bought me a book called paths to recovery.  Step One: I have admitted I am powerless over his disease - that my life had become unmanageable. In working step one I can admit that I am totally powerless over his disease. I can not control my sons behavior or the power his disease has over him. The addict has different ways dealing with daily challenges and their own life. We are totally two different entities. For example, an addict thinks of how they will get their next fix. I think about what I have to do today, how am I going to pay that bill, what shall I make for dinner, etc.  Do I accept alcoholism and drug addiction are a disease? How does that change the way I deal with the addict? Yes, I accept that I'm dealing with a disease of addiction. I'm not quite sure how I will change the way I deal with my son.


I've tried changing my son by keeping him away from the people I know who are substance abusers or just bad for him to be around.  Where has it gotten me? Absolutely no where!!!! They lie and figure out was to get their fix behind your back. They get good at hiding their addiction, or I'm just a fool who does not see the signs. How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond? I get so flipping angry and start yelling. Does it solve anything, NO. Makes me feel like shit in the long run and he just goes about his business.

In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else's behavior? I feel shamed and embarrassed when I say my son is an addict. Treatment did nothing. When I found out he's lied and made a fool of me once again. When he steals from me, when I call him on it, he continues to lie to my face.

What brought me into Al-Anon? The way I have been dealing with my child's addiction is not working for me. I am depressed, I have anxiety so bad. I'm afraid for the phone to ring or someone knocking on my door. I've been to two AL-anon meetings, I did not realize there are so many people out there having the exact same feelings and emotions as I do. You can feel the love and that people care to hear your story. The day I realized my life was so unmanageable was the day my boyfriend told me. "I don't know if I want to be together anymore" "you are never happy". The day my son came to me and said I need rehab again. This all gave me the kick in the ass to do something for myself. Not for my boyfriend, not for my son, but myself. I'm tired of feeling sad.

The rest of the questions for working step one, I am going to have to go deeper into thought about.

Just for today I know I am powerless over the disease. I can not change it

Zoom in on something in the movie of your life. ~ Daily Challenge

How to do it

Imagine your life is a movie and you are the main character. Do you like the movie's plot? Do you like the supporting cast? What title would you give your movie? Now, get deeper into the story and identify one aspect of your life that you would like to either accentuate or improve.

Why it matters

Pulling back and using the wide-angle lens gives us a new perspective! An overview of our lives allows us to evaluate what's positive and what isn't. From here, it allows us to pinpoint something - a career? a relationship? - that we might want to work on.

https://challenge.meyouhealth.com

My Story

The name of my story would be stop thinking with your heart and do what your brain is telling you.  In my story I need to make myself the main focus.  Lately I have forgotten about myself and my well being.  My sons disease has consumed my life. In this movie I will stop thinking with my heart, stop trying to fix his problems. It is  not my fault hes an addict.I did not make him an addict.  I need to give him to god and keep praying he will get better. Its my turn to be happy and enjoy my life. Its my turn to get well.

Detachment, Love and Forgiveness

Today I attended my first Al-Anon meeting. I actually said in front of many people "Hi I'm Tina, I'm a mother of an alcoholic and drug addict. That was a huge step for me, for many months my sons drug and alcohol counselors have been trying to get me to attend meetings, so I can start my own personal healing.

In reading an article about detachment, love and forgiveness, I learned Al-Anon recovery is about reclaiming our lives.  This is done by focusing on ourselves, build on our strengths,  ask and accept help with limitation.  

When you have a loved one in your life who is an addict.  You life becomes entangled in that persons life.  You begin covering up, smoothing over, making excuses, paying to bail them out of trouble, give then a place to live because you don't want them out on the street.  

I think obsessively about what he is doing. Is he going to work, Is he hanging out with drug users. The users past, current and potentional actions become our sole focus. I've learned today this is not love, it is obsession. Your not helping your addict get well, Its self destructive and harmful. 

Al-Anon teaches us to detach ourselves from our loved ones. To separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from our loved ones. How do you do that to someone you gave life to? In my head I understand that detachnment from my loved one is for me to be able to reclaim my own life back.

Today my son decided to hang up on me when he called me from rehab. He wants to know why I haven't been up to visit, what are we going to do about the $200 co-pay that they still need for her stay in their facility. I asked him what he expected me to do about this, I have no money. The next thing I know the phone went dead. I know its the disease lashing out, but I choose not to condone is behavior.